| I can't believe you're still creepin on my xanga. Imma make another blog I can write in without fear. Hopefully you don't creep enoug to find the other one too. |
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| when you weren't an asshole? Yeah. Those were the good old days. Hit me up if you ever decide to stop treating everyone around you like complete garbage. |
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| I hate when I get like this
I'll turn to xanga instead of a friend. I don't wanna be judged. Called "emo" "Pathetic" or "weak."
I keep on trying to be okay with who I am. I keep on telling myself that it's okay that I'm not smart like them, I'm not talented like them, I'm not cute like them, but. If I could think of one thing. One valuable thing about myself that could make me outshine the rest, then it would be okay. Everything else crappy in the world would be worth it because, I had my niche.
I have my things that make me happy. I have my things that I care about. I could tell you how much Kyo has changed my life, but words mean nothing. It wont be able to portray how completely his lyrics have kept me alive, or how much my stomach drops when I hear his voice. I can't work words like he can. I can't even explain how I feel in a way that makes other people understand.
I can rattle off Doctor Who knowledge. I can answer trivia questions about it and answer them semi-decently, but knowledge such as that will get me no where in life. I can possibly get some nerd cred, but that doesn't matter. Trivial.
I can lie to myself, say Doctor Who matters because it is meaningful to me because I apply it to my everyday life. The doctor loves humans for their range of emotions, and I ain't nothing if not emotional. I'm sure the Doctor will consume more of my life than any sane person should let any television show. I'm sure I'll be more dedicated to Kyo than I ever will be to any other living person. (I tell boyfriends that, that they will never be #1, that's Kyo's spot. They think they can change my mind. Woe to the ignorant.)
I just wish I could be happy with who I am. I don't wanna look at girls who are prettier than me, wishing I could be like them. I don't wanna look at the girls who get great grades and are much more well read than I am, wishing I could be that smart. I don't want to have a constant struggle to prove who I am, I don't want to prove how great of a fan I am, I don't want to prove how much nerdier I am than thou. Shit like that is stupid, but I get caught up in it every day. I don't want to prove to be people who I am, I just want to /be/ who I am and be accepted for that.
I tried to be subtle about my personality, but another girl outshined me and got what I wanted.
I hate the constant struggle of striving to be the best, when other people outshine me without even trying. Does anyone else have this inner monologue like I do?
I'll stop this rambling pile of self loathing and despair.
Hey man. I guess I am good at one thing, being a fan. Because, that will get me very far in life. Bah.
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